JANUARY 1, 2015 

Who would have thought that I'd be starting this year without my James? Everywhere I look I see him. I see a project that we worked on together; the barn, the fences, the yard. Oh how I love our yard....how am I going to ever do this all alone? 

Father in Heaven, help me to know Your will.. Help me to seek You daily..even moment by moment. Help me to make the right decisions... Help me to learn how to live moment by moment... Please help me.... 

January (undated) 2015 

I need to set goals in order for me to feel like I still have a purpose. Everything is different now. but then again, maybe not..... Our home and our yard still need to be cared for and the main difference is that I have been left alone to keep up with it. These are only temporary purposes.. What purpose do I have that results internal value? 

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 Even eating alone now...something that simple is so hard for me to do....it makes me anxious and makes my chest hurt. 

January 6, 2015 

Today is our 35th wedding anniversary. I'm trying really hard to keep it together; so many amazing memories. I realize at the very moment that there are no new memories for "us" to make together. I'm scared... I don't want to do this without you. James, I miss you so much.. I love you. Lord help me... 

January 10, 2015 

Another cold and dreary day, but for some reason I felt energized. I had a choice to make; stay inside or go outside and take care of some things that James would be doing if he were here. I moved his Jeep to the barn (I like seeing it when Iook out the window.) I trimmed back the Lantanas and cleaned up the porches. Visited James's "spot" (this is the spot where he took his last breath here and first breath there.) 

Undated Thoughts 

It's been ten weeks since James's death. I'm still having trouble believing he is gone and never coming back. I am still having trouble believing he is gone and never coming back. Everyone thinks I am handling this so well but if they only knew. For the most part I'm just going through the motions.. I never dreamed that James and I would not make it to our 50th wedding anniversary. We had so many plans for our life together. Now I just feel empty...some days are harder than others... I miss him... 

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Maybe some of the numbness is beginning to wear off. I don't know but today I am really missing my husband. I miss our walks; holding hands, even when no one is looking. I miss his arms around me: The security they provided The comfort they offered The peace that was always the result... I miss sleeping beside him every night... I miss the way he looked at me... His love for me... I miss him... 

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Today I'm right back to the same question again- How did this happen? It's not suppose to be this way... 

February 14, 2015 

My first birthday without my James.. So many memories of birthdays past.. finding notes all around the house that he had left for me.... His wonderful way of singing happy birthday to me... Today my heart is heavy..... I miss him so much... 

February 16, 2015 

Very rough day today - a lot of tears... I'm learning that it's okay for me to grieve... God sees every tear and it's God, only God, Who can pick me up, wipe my face and help me to go on. Today I am in His hand....Today I am okay... 

Wednesday 

Today I seemed to have fallen back into this dark place. Monday was awful and today is not much better. Maybe I'm trying too hard not to think, not to remember, because when I do, I cry. My heart hurts.. Just maybe I have not allowed myself enough time to grieve... 

Monday February 23, 2015 

Sleet, freezing rain and snow. Stayed home all day, in my jammies.. Coffee, pups and fire in our wood stove... Missing James.... Wednesday 

Real snow today! No school, no church tonight, everything is closed because of bad roads. It's beautiful though... the snow coming down in giant flakes- If only James were here to enjoy this with me. Instead of getting easier, this is getting harder... Please God, fill my empty heart with Your love...