Journey Page 5

March - 2015

As I study and read today I am faced with a new question. "What does God called me to do, now that I no longer have my James?"
I was his helpmeet (biblical term for a suitable helper) I ministered under his authority (which was always under God's)
Who am I God and what am I to do?
In what ways can I serve You now?
**March came and went and with it testing, trials and eventually triumph. Apparently I didn't record anything else until April

April - 2015
There are days when I feel like I'm making progress and then there are days like today.... I'm so lonely, I miss my husband, my James... I need him to walk into this room and make everything to be okay.
It's Spring now. There is so much to do and I know that I can't do it in the same way James would have.  Everything is a mess....things are falling apart. I want to run away, but where to? Maybe the mountains...yes, I want to go to the mountains....

April 12, 2015
My heart cries out to You Lord God. I'm so disappointed and yet I know better than to put my faith in "man". I really need to release my bitter feelings to you and  I want to...

I feel i need to find a place where I can serve and worship You.. Please make me sensitive to Your Holy Spirit so I can know where to go and what to do. Thank You for the peace You have allowed me this morning...I Love You Lord...

April 30, 2015
Today I am shattered. God, I cry out to You... I often wonder how I can go on without James, but I know  I must for I have not been given a choice.  I need Your help; breaking down in Your embrace helped... How do I get my family to understand that I feel like I'm being run over?
My walk to the pond was much harder than I thought it would be. I was crying...sobbing so loud that I thought the neighbors across the road might hear me and come to see if I had been hurt.
When I reached the pier that James built, I sat and cried until I could cry no more. As I sat, I remembered  how much he loved the stillness and the peace while we sat together in this same place... quietly together; so many times; it was our place of refuge.
When I returned to the house, I mowed the dog yard, side yard and the hill. Working outside is good. Thank You God for allowing us a beautiful place to live...
May 10, 2015
So here I am, six months since my James went to be with Jesus..
My Thoughts?
When will I wake up from this nightmare?
My Reality?
I'm learning to live without him and at the same time I miss him more and more every day.
I  look outside and I expect to see him out on the mower or working in the yard.
I miss our mornings on the front porch.. "coffee and conversation"...
I miss our quiet moments...
I miss him praying for me..
I miss him...

May 13, 2015
The void that is left in my life, my heart, will be with me now until take my last breath. There is so much that I miss..
Companionship... We were so close, tightly knit together...
I stay busy now, but at the end of the day, loneliness is all that's here.
I am learning to continue my journey but there are still so many things that are still out of place.
Dear me...

May 14, 2015
I truly am thankful for the love and support I have from my children. LeAnn has been amazing as she has reached a new level of maturity. Our relationship is right where it needs to be.
The boys, Cyndi and Jennifer... Michele with the recent loss of her mother, she has reached out to me more. I pray that in some way I am able to help her...

This has been a very wet year.  I'm better at handling the storms than I once was, still, I will my James was here to tell me that it's all goanna be alright.
I guess there are no storms for him anymore....

May 25, 2015
Today would have been your 65th birthday....
My heart hurts; I miss you so much..
I am learning each day how to go on alone, but I don't like it.
I've learned not to plan. I live moment to moment now.
I cherish each memory that you and I have created together.
There are so many things that seem meaningless now. Without you here this hole/void is so real.
I reach out for you, but you are not here.
I sit on the porch and watch the birds "just like we did"....
A painted bunting was here a couple of days ago. I have yet to see an Indigo but there are plenty of House Finches.
Sometimes remembering can be painful yet at the same time, I pray I never forget.
Our love was so special; so deep...
I love you babe, always will....
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