Journey Page 3

December 20, 2014 
I've been told that I am really calm and handling the loss of my husband very well..   Am I? Am I really? Thanks be to God Who sustains me; without whom I would never be able to go on. I may appear to be calm, but no one sees the churninng going on inside of me. No one can see the unbearalbe ache in my heart...the lonelyness I must now learn to live with.... No one sees the endless tears... They are shed in private for only God to see. 
This morning in my reading I came to Psalm 30:5b: "Weeping may last for the night, but a shot of joy comes in the morning." I made this notation beside this verse: "James 11/10/14....See Ya at the House....I love you". I know when my morning comes, I too will weep no more.... 

December 25, 2014 
Today is Christmas. I didn't know how I was going to feel or how I would react/respond to this day. Thankfully I didn't have to be anywhere until noon.. By 8:00am I had made myself sick..tears..upset stomach...anxiety attack, all about to take me down. God, where are You? I need You... I cannot ruin this day for LeAnn; she needs me to be strong. I reach out to God... I find comfort...I find calm...I find peace. I can, WE can do this. 

Thank You Dear Lord... The day went well even though I felt out of place. I don't want to be the "widowed Grammy" that just hangs around at every family gathering. Maybe next year I can do something different or go somewhere? Now I am alone... Time to remember, Time to cry, Yet, time to be thankful..
December 27, 2014 My James, My JT... I miss so many things about you.. The way you smell coming from the shower; the way you reach for me in the middle of the night... I miss our long talks...our long walks...and our lists that we made together. I miss your love, your tenderness, your prayers and your wisdom. I miss your arms around me...I miss you. It's not getting any easier, Your love for me is the one thing that keeps me going. Why? Because if you could that is what you would tell me to do... See Ya At The House My Love.... 

It's Sunday...the day for going to church for corporate worship, yet here I sit...37* outside, rain and cold. I have made myself sick, physically sick! I feel guilty about not going, then I almost vomit at the thought of leaving this house. 
THIS HOUSE... This is the house where we made our "home"; This is the house where our dreams came true; This is the house where we honored God; This is the house where we loved, laughed and cried together; This is the house where we raised our children; This is the house that was once full, but now, with you gone, the only thing in this house are the memories of what once was.... 

December 31, 2014 
This is the last day of 2014. One year ago today I never thought this year would end in this way. James now lives beyond the limits of time. I am here, alone, missing him more each day instead of less. Some days prayer comes easy but today, I struggle. It's hard to know what's am I really suppose to feel? Help me Jesus.... 
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