Grief Journey Page 2

Journey Page 2
 
Monday  -  November 17th
My encounter with God....
My first day totally alone...unable to do anything else...I drop to my knees and scream out in anguish...
First at James..."how could you do this? We have plans..we have a list..we aren't done."
Before long I realize that this is not my James' doing...
I redirect my pain to God... I now know what it means to "cry out to God".  I scream and cried until I had no more voice..then I heard God (not an audible voice but in my spirit)... I stopped my screaming and I heard, "You are okay now, stand up, wipe yourself off, and begin your new life."
The most incredible peace came upon me...
As I stood up, I knew for sure that I would be okay..
I must learn now to depend on God "totally".....(I have a LONG road ahead)
Things that were important on the morning of November 10th are not important anymore...
Things of this earth are truly only temporary...
I want my main focus to be on those things eternal... I no longer have time for negativity...

Tuesday...
The rest of this week has been spent preparing for family to return for Thanksgiving...I am going through the motions but my heart is not here.... I miss James...
It rained last night...
Thank You Lord for bringing out the sun today...Now as it dries up the rain, my prayer is for it to dry up my tears as well....even if only for today... I love You Lord   /

Another Day....
I'm just so numb. The shock of losing my wonderful James goes deeper than any emotion I have ever had to endure. I see his Jeep parked at the barn and my first thought is that he is home.... Truth be known, he really is "HOME", but his home is not "here" anymore.
He and I have talked a lot about the legacy we want to leave. One that would have eternal value. We both have made many accomplishments in this life but those stay here...they are only temporary and will soon be forgotten. 
What we want people to remember is what we did for God (and what God has done for us)
James has done that!
What a blessing to hear story after story how his life had impact on someone... I am reminded now of the song "Thank You".. Person after person has come to me sharing about how my James did this or that, or shared a memory of how he prayed with them, cared for them, shared God's word with them and those who he lead to the cross for salvation.
How blessed to be married to such a man...
The other side of my James is the amazing husband he has always been. He loved me, he cared for me, he prayed for me, he encouraged me..
I am left here now to wait for my time to join him.  Until that time my prayer is that I will remain steadfast in my faith in our Lord and that at the end of the day, i will have left a legacy of love that is eternal....


Thursday  -  November 27th... Thanksgiving Day
Today begins my "firsts of firsts". My "first" Thanksgiving without my James beside me....
BUT GOD! But God has a plan and God will give me the strength to make positive and happy memories for my family as we celebrate this day and all that it means.
For my family members that could not be here, I love and miss you. Please take time today to be thankful for all the memories you have of Daddy.
Father God, help me as I continue on this journey...that I will honor and glorify You..

Friday....Ordered headstone..

Saturday  -  November 29th....
Today we say "see ya later" to family that are heading back to their homes. Before heading out, they presented me with a framed picture of my James and me..the last picture ever taken of the two of us together. (just one month before James's departure).  Everyone signed it! Such an incredible family..
I love you all so much. Thank you for helping me through this transition.

The Lord bless you, and keep you; The Lord make His face shine on you,
And be gracious to you; The Lord lift up His countenance on you,
And give you peace.    Numbers 6:24-26

Sunday  -  November 30, 2014
I still cannot bring myself to go to church...so, Jo took me to breakfast. I thought that was a safe choice...
However, I never expected that seeing a couple come in and sit down would affect me the way it did.
Never again will I sit at a table with my husband....
As we were about to leave a lady from my BSF group sat beside me and gave me the most comforting hug. I knew right then that going back to class could not be put off any longer. 
God is Good!
Thank You Lord for confirmation and blessing.
Jo left today...and now, once again, I am alone....

Monday  -  December 1st.
Met with attorney; I have to probate James's will. Need to make a new will...I hate this.

Wednesday
** A friend (Liz Reeves) re-posted a post on FaceBook that I had written to a mutual friend about a year ago.
Praise God for His word....
"...always remember that God's will for our life brings peace. Even in the midst of turmoil His will equals peace in my heart. It's kinda like-- I know that I know, that I know that I am where God wants me".
I will be praying to hear God as I seek His will for my life.....

Saturday...
So sad, my precious baby girl asked me through tears, "Did Daddy love me?"
I'm sure we all wonder at one time or another, but LeAnn, your daddy loved you, yes indeed. I'm sorry you had to ask. If you will look back over your life you will remember the many times he held you in his arms, praying for your tender heart that had just been broken....for healing when you fell against the HOT heater and burned your arm.
There were the many times he came into your room at night to pray over you while you slept.
Yes baby girl, my Sugary, your daddy loved you....

Sunday  -  December 7, 2014
Went to SS and Church with LeAnn today. it was different but wonderful. Bro. Chris preached on the same passage James did two years ago (noted in my Bible) Romans 8.

Sunday Evening... Just thinking.....
I remember when James surrendered to the ministry. After much prayer, he shared with me his decision. That Sunday morning at Church at the beginning of the altar call, my husband kissed me on my cheek and then stepped out into the isle and walked to the front. It was at that moment that I know he was no longer mine....he belonged to God.
Today, I realize that he has belonged to God all along. I am so blessed to have been his help meet, his wife, his love.
Perhaps this makes this transition easier? James was never mine...he belongs to God and now, God has called him home.....(but still...I miss him)

Monday  -  December 8, 2014
I thought I was doing so well...today it's been four weeks since my beloved was taken without warning. I feel like a fish out of water. How can this be? I really thought we had at least twenty more years together.
Today I am at a loss... How do I live a life without James?
Today, I just sit,
and stare,
and wonder....
Where do I go from here?
And how do I do it?

Random Thoughts....
  • No one told me about being totally alone....There is no other human i this house.....just me..
  • It's not someone else to be here or come by, that's not what I want...
  • I want James...
  • I miss him, I need him...
  • I don't know if I can do this...
  • My heart aches
  • Lord, help me...
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So, a few days ago, actually a few weeks ago, it was my "first" outing "alone".  I had to go to Wal-Mart to pick up meds and a few food items. So, I'm checking out and after I paid for my purchase, I just stood there. The sacks still on the spindle thing..
I look around and it dawned on me that James was not there to put the sacks in the cart. I spoke out loud with a "Oh"... then put the sacks in the cart and left.
James was such a part of every detail of every day..
I miss him.....

Monday - December 15th
I seem to cry more now...my tears come without warning. I still cringe when I remember James laying on the ground, unresponsive. I've continued to be numb, just going through the motions of daily life. I know others are hurting and missing him....I can't help them.. I can't even help myself....

More Random Thoughts
  • I wake up with a hole in my heart and a pain in my gut. James is not here. I miss him.....But as much as I miss him, I would never call him back from the presence of God... My  James is where he has longed to be for so long.
  • One day my turn will come and I too will make that journey into eternity....
  • But...until that time comes, I must draw closer to God and depend on Him to guide and protect me. 
  • Knowing this does not make it any easier for me.....yet....
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You Are My Sunshine
I have a little music box that sits in my kitchen window. Sometimes I play it when I'm doing the dishes.
It takes me back to a time so long ago....my sister Sandy would wash and i would dry (sort of dry) the dishes....AND we would sing. Sandy would sing harmony and I would stop and stick my fingers in my ears so she didn't mess me up....
As the years passed, this song took on a new meaning for me... It goes like this:

James is my sunshine, my only sunshine..
He makes me happy when skies are grey...
No one knows James, how much I love you,
Please don't take my James away...

So now my "sunshine", my James, is gone..BUT GOD...
God has given me His "SONshine". I rest in the joy of knowing that my "sunshine" is with God's "SONshine" and one day I will join them....

 
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