Journey Year Two

Journey Year Two

Some of my journal entries are hard to share but if they are to be of help to you, how can I not. 
 
 
The Second Year.....

November 27, 2015
It's hard to believe that it's already been a year, but it's not hard to believe how God has kept His promise....
He has not left me; he is sticking with His plan and I am blessed. A year ago i didn't care if I never saw another day... But God..
But God has given me the strength and the desire to continue this journey.
I am not alone and my prayer today is for others who have lost a loved one and who may be struggling to find their way.. Grief must run its course but I can promise you this...
Joy DOES come in the morning....

December 11, 2015
I should have seen it coming and well, maybe I did.
I have been so excited about all that God is doing in my life and in my relationship with Him. Now I've hit an emotional speed bump and I've hit it hard.
I miss James so much that sometimes I can hardly breathe. I hurt...physically hurt. I can't focus on anything but my pain... ugh!
Father help me to "not" take my eyes off of You...

December 22, 2015
After my tearful struggle yesterday and my sleepless night last night, I think I am facing yet another new reality. "Learning to live with loneliness."
I miss James.. no one cares about me (God does) the same way my James did.
People say how fortunate I am to have family around, but ya know, they are busy; they don't see my pain, my hurt or my hours of pure loneliness.  They aren't here at night to hear about my day and to "just talk"... I miss my James...

December 23,
I read an article on loneliness. According to what I read, what's missing in my life is "touch"... And, I agree.
I miss my husband's touch; comfort; feeling him next to me at night while we sleep..
I miss our conversations.... our times of Bible study and of prayer..
Yes, I am sad... Lord, help me through this...

Christmas 2015
This is the second Christmas you have been gone. The numbness that is so familiar to me has been with me all week.. I miss you more instead of less..
Dear God, please help me to be happy today and to not bring anyone's joy down....
In Jesus' Name...Amen

"2016"  Minister in the ordinary moments of every day life.....

January 1, 2016
When I was about 8 or 9 years old, the year "2000" was a futuristic year; never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would live this long. But, here I am, 2016!
As I continue to heal I am also learning to cope with the many changes in my life.  I miss my James...
Lord, as i cry out to You, please fill the emptiness in my life with more of You.... Amen

January 6, 2016
Today would have been our 36th wedding anniversary. Baby, I took my ring off today and placed it with yours, This is the first time in 36 years that I have not had this ring on. It's been there since you placed it on my finger with your vow of love. I have a peace about this; I'm okay; it was time.
I love you more.. I love you still.... You are always in my thoughts and in my heart...
I miss you....

January 15, 2016
So, here I sit.. Thoughts of God's majesty can be overwhelming. My spirit longs for a closer, deeper relationship with God...
Then there is the physical part of me..
I am lonely
I miss my husband
Lord, help me today; help me to focus more on You and less on me...
 
February 2016
I am seventy years old now. How am I suppose to feel? I feel like I'm still a young woman. I can still do most of the things i have always done. My life has been full and for that "I thank You Lord".
I still miss James....that will never change. I live in my loneliness daily. I have accepted it, and I continue my journey with my memories as I move forward and closer to my own kind of life on earth.
I stay busy, teaching Sunday School and studying God's Word.  I love my church family and my pastor. I love how God has drawn me closer to Himself. I'm still learning and growing and seeking his will for me...
I see now, as I look back over m seventy years, how God's will for me has always stayed the same... "Love Him"...
It's just that simple, and because I love Him, I want to obey Him, and serve Him (sometimes the "obey" part is the hardest)... that's what Love does...

At the end of the day I know that
I am loved
I am forgiven
I am ready to be called "home"....

See Ya At The House!
 
April 2016
This is my second Spring without James.. All my memories are in the past; my life with him is in my past. Is it wrong to want to remember every kiss, every hug, every prayer and every joy that we shared?
Do my memories keep me from totally devoting myself to God?
We were suppose to grow old together.. Now I am alone.. I miss my husband....
My life is so different now...

April 12, 2016
Spring is in full swing; the fruit of many years of joyful labor is evident. As I walk around i see the trees and plants that James and I planted together.. they are all in bloom, a beauty to behold. As long as I remain they are a continued reminder of our love for each other and for God.
Oh how I long to see Jesus and to see my James too. But, I have no clue if that is how it will be.
I miss his spiritual guidance; I miss the comfort his embrace has always brought to me; his wink, his wisdom, his patience...
I miss him....

May 2, 2016
1 1/2 years.. I guess I will always miss you. There are some things you would so proud of me for, others, not so much. I'm doing the best I can without you. I feel overwhelmingly  insecure in making decisions on my own.
Some right things are my church, my serving God, and my little house. I'm truly content here, you would like it here as well. I know that if you were here you would have put this cabin out back by "our" oak tree. That was our special place and not to be shared with anyone else (weren't we silly sometimes).
I love you..
I miss you....
I will see you soon...
See ya at the House!

May 21, 2016
I am amazed sometimes that I wake up "here" instead of "there". There must be something unfinished that God has for me..
However, I am content.. My home, my church, my family and friends..
The only thing missing is my James..
See ya at the house Baby!

May 25, 2016
Happy Birthday Babe.... I suppose that birthdays are no longer relevant for you since you are no longer bound by time. I went to a revival tonight at FBCO (yes... I drove by myself).My pastor, Bro. Lance, was the speaker and the only reason that I went.
With mixed emotions, I stepped in the door and I was flooded with all sorts of emotions as I came face to face with the many memories of our service together there. I miss what we had, the fifteen years of serving Gog together in this ministry...
Here's the sadness and disappointment though: nothing is the same... It's as if everything there died when you did. You worked so hard and now, in your absence, they have resorted to the way they were before....so sad...

July 13, 2016  - Wednesday
I can't seem to shake my sadness..
I miss my James so much...
I miss how he smells right after his shower,
I miss the comfort that only he could provide 
I miss his wisdom and encouragement,
I miss his embrace...
I miss him....

September 4, 2016
Lord, I want to "long" for You more than I miss my husband.
I cherish his memory and I have been blessed because of our life together... i miss him..
However, am i allowing that to get in the way of loving You the way that I should? I want to be entirely Yours...
**My thoughts form my devotional on 9/4/ in My Utmost for His Highest
 
October 10, 2016
Two years ago today we left Georgia after a weeklong visit with Rick and family. Heading back home not knowing that it would be our last trip together.
My heart remains broken...I miss you so much..
I love you now, forever and always....

October 17, 2016
Having a bad day today...missing James...
Talked with LeAnn for a moment; I needed to reconcile  all of this so maybe I can let it go.
On the day my James died, LeAnn was the last one to see him alive. As she drove back in from picking kiddos up from school, her daddy was heading back down from the pond. She waved and he waved back. Little did she know that that she was waving "good-bye".
Within the next thirty minutes Steven drove up and saw James lying on the ground. He was gone...
The rest of that day is recorded at the beginning of these pages.
Our hearts are broken....but, we must go on as he would have us to do...

November 10, 2016
Two years ago today... already?
This week I stepped back out of my comfort zone. I am in Branson with a group from my Church. It was a hard decision to come knowing this day was coming.... But God...
After my morning meltdown, I joined my group for breakfast before heading out for our day.
The show of love and support for my grief was God sent. I never said anything to any of them, (but I know now who did)
James, you would be so proud of how God is taking care of me.
I miss you so much; I love you so much. My work here is not yet complete, but as soon as it is, I am coming "home"...  See ya at the House....
Copyright ©2017 Living By Grace, All Rights Reserved.
87