Tuesday, December 20, 2016, 08:16 PM

More and more I'm becoming aware of my "widowhood". Some days I'm not consciously aware of it, and other days it raises up and slaps my heart. For the first year after my husband's death, I still referred to myself as married (I'm still here but he has moved on). But no matter how I word it, the fact is that yes, I am a widow. I don't want to be; but somehow it has become a part of God's plan for me.

But still.....people like to "help" widows and I have this attitude that says "I don't want to be helped". Not to be nasty or mean, but I admit, that is how I feel most of the time. Maybe it's because for twenty years I was a pastor's wife... I served God under my husband's authority and I did it joyfully. If there was a need, I was there to help... When James died, it was like all of a sudden (actually it was just that "sudden") people were everywhere wanting to help me. Praise God for their willingness to do so. However, I'm the one who should be helping others, not the other way around.... Or at least that's what I thought. It's been hard to learn to accept help.

I can see why it's so hard for many pastors today to care for their flocks because they have people like me who don't always want to be helped.... OY VEY! Does that convict me? Yes, yes it does.

So as long  as I'm rambling today, I have to ask myself what am I going to do about it?

The answer to that is, "I don't know".  What I do know however is that I am making it a matter of serious prayer. I am going to search scripture to see what God has to say about our willingness to be served as well as to serve.

I love it when God challenges me like this....I love the questions that lead me to His written word.... Perhaps as you are reading this, you may have some thoughts of your own that can help me and others like me.. I pray that you will feel led to email me or leave a comment on this blog...

 The struggle continues.....

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