August 29, 2017
So many thoughts and emotions have been whirling around in my heart and my head. People who mean well confuse me because they don't understand. Things that are important to them for their way of life is not the same as what I feel is important to me for my life.
James and I learned to live on very little money. God always took care of us just as He is taking care of me now. Our joy was never fulfilled from "things"..instead, we found joy in the things of God... That's who we were... when we had extra, we gave it to someone less fortunate than we... that's just the way it was.
Today I sit here feeling overwhelmed, sad, anxious, excited and longing for God's will in my life.
I sit on my porch and I look out across the very same fields where I ran as a child...I rode horses and continued to ride well into my senior years... James and I built a home here on love, faith and trust. Together we sought and obeyed God's will for us in the way the God chose for us to serve Him.
When God called James home, everything in my life changed.... things that were important on that Monday morning were no longer important that same Monday night. I woke up next to my husband of 34 years that morning, but that night slept in an empty bed. The reality now is that he is no longer here but instead he is "There".
So now what? What do I do and where do I go? The plans James and I had together are null and void. I have struggled for nearly three years not only with depression but with listening to God, seeking His will for me now and praying for clarity for my future.
Just a couple of weeks after James' death, Rick and Jennifer asked me to come live with them in Georgia. I thought, "How kind", but said no. They lovingly continued to remind me that they loved me and still wanted me to move and assured me that I would always be welcome... It has taken that long for me to realize that it is time for me to say "yes".
The farm and memories no longer have a hold on my mind. All of my precious memories are packaged up and placed in my heart and they will forever be with me no matter where I go or where I live. One of the hardest things for me to accept is that I a no longer married.. I am a widow. It doesn't change how I feel and how much I still love James. But the Bible says in Romans 7:2, the married woman is bound by law to her husband while he is living; but if her husband dies, she is released from the law [concerning the husband. (NASB) I have yet to yield to that release.
I turned to scripture to see what God's message for me would be and I found it in
Isaiah 43:18-19. “Do not call to mind the former things, Or ponder things of the past. “Behold, I will do something new, Now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, Rivers in the desert."
I can see where this is true for my life now. God is about to do something new in my life.... Not matter our age, God can always use us if we make ourselves available. Well, here I am God and I want to be obedient to Your will for me.
This isn't just a move "just 'cause". There are new ministry opportunities for me and already a church where I can serve. Whether I have one year, five or ten left on this earth, God can use me and that is what I want to do ....serve Him...
Now my prayer is for those who don't understand to look to God and pray for that understanding to come.....
As time continues, so do the different seasons of my life and here I am, about to change seasons again. As I continue to pray and search my heart and listen for God's will for my life, I now have the confirmation needed to move forward.
I miss my James every day, and yes, many nights my pillow becomes soaked with my tears. That may never end, but God has shown me a new (to me) verse that I now claim as my own as I move forward with my life.
Isaiah 43:18-19 reads like this:
Remember not the former things nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.
In verse 5a He has said: "Fear not for I am with you."
It doesn't matter how many years God still has for me, but it does matter how I live them. I choose to live them for Him. I choose to move forward and my heart's desire is to be found serving Him as I take my last breathe here and my first breathe there....
See Ya At The House....
June 28th, 2017
I have come to Georgia to stay with my son and his family for at least a month. It's a blessing to be able to get away for a while. Sometimes we don't realize how much stress we have in our lives until we remove ourselves from it.
It's not too different here; the weather is very much like it is in East Texas, however, here there are NATS...lots and lots of nats... there is also a wonderful pool in the backyard where I can (for the moment) get away from them... they must be possessed...
My quiet times with God have been deep and meaningful. That is so important to me, especially now. I have some possible changes ahead for my life and I want, no, I need God to point me in the right way. Seeking God's will for my life has long been my "way of life". There is no other place that I want to be thank smack dab in the middle of HIS will.
John 9:31b “…but if anyone is a worshiper of God and does his will, God listens to him.”
Romans 12:2 “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”
Isaiah 30: (NASB)
21 Your ears will hear a word behind you, “[This is the way, walk in it,” whenever you turn to the right or to the left.
Lamentations 3:22-23 (ESV)
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end; they are new
every morning; great is your faithfulness.
When I was a little girl my dad would tell me, "you need to learn something new every day". I think it must have been in relation to school, however, even as a "not so little girl", I have carried that thought in my heart throughout my life.
As a Christian, I see the profound truth of Dad's statement in a much different light. That light being the Light of God's Word.
As I learn to apply God's word to my life, I am encouraged and strengthened.
Just this week I was asked to consider heading up a project at my church. I was interested immediately but said I would like to pray about it first (as is my way). So today, I'm sitting here thinking, what's my holdup? Why am I dragging my feet?
Well the answer is actually very simple. I tend to jump right in with both feet when I know I "can" do something, and do it well. This is a project that I know I can do, however the method is different from what I have done before. Doubt enters my mind and I begin to question whether or not "I can" do this. If I allow it, it will overtake my every thought... Oy Vey!
Then, as God's Holy Spirit often does, the truth gently comes in, slowly yet purposefully...
"Where is my faith? Has God not equipped me time after time to do a specific work for Him? If He calls me to it does He not go with me; equip me and see it through to the end?"
Yes He does....
So my "something new" today is really not so new but a reminder of the fact that God IS Faithful, and God IS True and God Keeps His Promises....
Most important for me...God has never let me down... I love God!
Sunday's sermon has had a great impact on my life. We are so blessed to have a pastor who "teaches" as he preaches... he explains scripture in a way we can all relate to and understand.
To read the Sermon Transcript please click HERE
Today, I am only giving my thoughts on this truth and how it has affected me.
The Bema Seat of Judgment.
2 Corinthians 5:10
For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil.
This is our giving an account of what we have done from our time of salvation. This is not the same as the Great White Throne of Judgment in Revelation 20:11-15
11Then I saw a great white throne and him who was seated on it. From his presence earth and sky fled away, and no place was found for them. 12 And I saw the dead, great and small, standing before the throne, and books were opened. Then another book was opened, which is the book of life. And the dead were judged by what was written in the books, according to what they had done. 13 And the sea gave up the dead who were in it, Death and Hades gave up the dead who were in them, and they were judged, each one of them, according to what they had done. 14 Then Death and Hades were thrown into the lake of fire. This is the second death, the lake of fire.15 And if anyone's name was not found written in the book of life, he was thrown into the lake of fire.
This is really serious truth.... VERY SERIOUS!
Yet I stand by and see so many people ignore it. Why is that? For me it's like watching a flock of sheep heading to a cliff and they fall to their death... every last one of them! And I can do nothing to stop them.
Some of it falls back to yesterday's subject of excuses. Let me tell you, one day those very same excuses cannot be used anymore.
For me, some of the principles that really have struck my heart are these:
And these are the thought provoking thoughts that I cannot escape, nor do I want to:
Like I said, This is really serious truth.... VERY SERIOUS!
We have become a people of excuses...
"I can't because ________" is our battle cry!
"I can't because I am too young";
"I can't because I am too old";
"I can't because I don't know how";
"I can't because I am afraid";
"I can't because that is not my top priority";
And the list goes on and on. Just fill in the blank with your own excuse.
From my earliest memory I can hear my dad's answer to my "I can't". He would say "there's no such thing as can't". But I was young and certain that I could not so I never did try. Looking back I see now that it was because I was trying on my own and never asking for help.
God makes it very clear in the Bible that "yes we can"! However, He never intended for us to do it on our own.
Here we see Jeremiah giving God his "excuses" why he can't do as God has called for him to do; and then God's answer.
God tells Jeremiah that He (God) will be with him every step of the way. Not only that but He will give him the words to speak and He will be there to protect him as well, therefore he should not be afraid.
That pretty much covers the excuses of being too young and of not knowing how and fear.... God will never ask us to do anything that is not age appropriate or that is beyond our ability. If we don't know how, then we learn. Most important is that He will protect us.
As for the excuse of being too old... How old was Moses when he built the Ark? How old was Abraham when his first son was born? Search the scriptures to see just how old many were when called to serve God.
Then there is the problem of priorities. Yes, "problem", and I say that because if our priorities were in order, everything else will fall into its proper place.. God's proper place.
Perhaps it's time for us to re-evaluate our priorities. Are we "really" putting God first? If not, then why? What is our excuse for that?
Remember, "there is no such thing as can't...."
Thirty Seven years ago today, I married the love of my life... A love like ours is not so common in today's world. I'm not saying we were the only ones with such a devoted covenant, but I am saying that because God was always the center of our relationship we were set up for success from the beginning. I am not saying there were never any rough times because there were, however not many. I'm not sharing this to draw attention to myself or to seek sympathy, but rather to point you toward The One Who held us together in good times and rough times... The One Who today has held me together as I continue on this journey without my husband. (you can read about here.... "My Journey Through Grief").
Actually, I am excited today to see how far God has brought me and I look forward with great expectation to see His plan unfold for me. As I look back over the past few years, I can see now how God prepared me for "such a time as this". I have no regrets and I can honestly say without a doubt that that there was never anything undone or unsaid... God is Faithful..
One of God's promises that I hold to dearly is found in Hebrews 13:5 "Make sure that your character is free from the love of money, being content with what you have; for He Himself has said, “I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you,”
So here I sit, alone because my husband is no longer here, but oh, so "not alone" because of Christ!
As I sit here, reflecting on 2016, I can see where I was a year ago and where I am now. This time last year I was still coming to grips with my "widowhood" and the reality that my life had changed in so many ways... I have learned to rely on God in ways I never thought I would need too.... my biggest challenge has been to deal with the intense loneliness that has become a constant in my life. Begging and pleading with God has not changed it.
BUT GOD! But God always has a plan and His plan for me continues to unfold daily.
Today I can see that I do have a purpose in this life. Do I know what that is? Not totally, but God gives me "hints" and "moments" now and then that reveal not only His loving-kindness, but His faithfulness and sovereignty.
I have so much to be thankful for, yes even in my darkest moments. I have come closer to God and I have an amazing church family and pastor; friends who know me and love me "anyway". God IS good, all the time, in good times and in the not so good.
So now, on this last day of 2016, I look forward with expectation and joy to 2017 and with this chorus on my heart and lips....
I love you, Lord, And I lift my voice
To worship You Oh, my soul, rejoice!
Take joy my King, In what You hear
Let it be a sweet, sweet sound In Your ear.....
My sister sent me some pictures of her Christmas Trees (yes, she has more than one). She loves Christmas, she loves decorating her home, she loves decorating her trees. With each beautiful picture she shared with me the many memories collected through the years. She has always and is still using a paper angel made by her son when in Kindergarten (nearly 50 years ago), for the top of the tree. One tree is filled with picture ornaments of family members... Another tree has ornaments that reflect our Jewish heritage, blended beautifully with those that represent our Christ. The manger under the tree is from she and her husband's first Christmas in Ventura, California in 1962.
As she continued to tell about each ornament, a beautiful story unfolded right before my eyes... It was at that moment that I realized that every tree does have a story.
Look at your own Christmas tree. Can you remember when each ornament first adorned your tree? Maybe you have some that say "Baby's first Christmas"; or maybe you have ornaments that represent hobbies, or places traveled to. Or like our oldest son, they have a Cowboy Tree (fitting for a Rodeo Announcer). For several years we added ornaments with the names of God on them. All kinds of stories are told because of how a tree is decorated.
Trees are first mentioned in Genesis 2:9a "And out of the ground the Lord God made to spring up every tree that is pleasant to the sight and good for food". You can safely say that these trees were decorated with "food".
Then in Genesis 2:9b "The tree of life was in the midst of the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil". And here these two tree were decorated as well, one with life and one with knowledge.
There is another tree of greater importance..... The Cross of Calvary. This cross, by the law at that time, is decorated with a human life.
Deuteronomy 21:22... “And if a man has committed a crime punishable by death and he is put to death, and you hang him on a tree..."
The cross at Calvary, by love, was decorated with Jesus Christ our Savior"; Matthew 27 records the account of the death of Christ on the Cross.
What kind of story does your tree tell? And, what kind of tree does your "life" tell?
This year, as you decorate "your" tree, keep in mind that while we celebrate the "birth" of Christ, He came to "decorate" a unique tree for you...for me...for all who will come to Him.
Merry Christmas - Living By Grace,
More and more I'm becoming aware of my "widowhood". Some days I'm not consciously aware of it, and other days it raises up and slaps my heart. For the first year after my husband's death, I still referred to myself as married (I'm still here but he has moved on). But no matter how I word it, the fact is that yes, I am a widow. I don't want to be; but somehow it has become a part of God's plan for me.
But still.....people like to "help" widows and I have this attitude that says "I don't want to be helped". Not to be nasty or mean, but I admit, that is how I feel most of the time. Maybe it's because for twenty years I was a pastor's wife... I served God under my husband's authority and I did it joyfully. If there was a need, I was there to help... When James died, it was like all of a sudden (actually it was just that "sudden") people were everywhere wanting to help me. Praise God for their willingness to do so. However, I'm the one who should be helping others, not the other way around.... Or at least that's what I thought. It's been hard to learn to accept help.
I can see why it's so hard for many pastors today to care for their flocks because they have people like me who don't always want to be helped.... OY VEY! Does that convict me? Yes, yes it does.
So as long as I'm rambling today, I have to ask myself what am I going to do about it?
The answer to that is, "I don't know". What I do know however is that I am making it a matter of serious prayer. I am going to search scripture to see what God has to say about our willingness to be served as well as to serve.
I love it when God challenges me like this....I love the questions that lead me to His written word.... Perhaps as you are reading this, you may have some thoughts of your own that can help me and others like me.. I pray that you will feel led to email me or leave a comment on this blog...
The struggle continues.....