August 29, 2017
So many thoughts and emotions have been whirling around in my heart and my head. People who mean well confuse me because they don't understand. Things that are important to them for their way of life is not the same as what I feel is important to me for my life.
James and I learned to live on very little money. God always took care of us just as He is taking care of me now. Our joy was never fulfilled from "things"..instead, we found joy in the things of God... That's who we were... when we had extra, we gave it to someone less fortunate than we... that's just the way it was.
Today I sit here feeling overwhelmed, sad, anxious, excited and longing for God's will in my life.
I sit on my porch and I look out across the very same fields where I ran as a child...I rode horses and continued to ride well into my senior years... James and I built a home here on love, faith and trust. Together we sought and obeyed God's will for us in the way the God chose for us to serve Him.
When God called James home, everything in my life changed.... things that were important on that Monday morning were no longer important that same Monday night. I woke up next to my husband of 34 years that morning, but that night slept in an empty bed. The reality now is that he is no longer here but instead he is "There".
So now what? What do I do and where do I go? The plans James and I had together are null and void. I have struggled for nearly three years not only with depression but with listening to God, seeking His will for me now and praying for clarity for my future.
Just a couple of weeks after James' death, Rick and Jennifer asked me to come live with them in Georgia. I thought, "How kind", but said no. They lovingly continued to remind me that they loved me and still wanted me to move and assured me that I would always be welcome... It has taken that long for me to realize that it is time for me to say "yes".
The farm and memories no longer have a hold on my mind. All of my precious memories are packaged up and placed in my heart and they will forever be with me no matter where I go or where I live. One of the hardest things for me to accept is that I a no longer married.. I am a widow. It doesn't change how I feel and how much I still love James. But the Bible says in Romans 7:2, the married woman is bound by law to her husband while he is living; but if her husband dies, she is released from the law [concerning the husband. (NASB) I have yet to yield to that release.
I turned to scripture to see what God's message for me would be and I found it in
Isaiah 43:18-19. “Do not call to mind the former things, Or ponder things of the past. “Behold, I will do something new, Now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, Rivers in the desert."
I can see where this is true for my life now. God is about to do something new in my life.... Not matter our age, God can always use us if we make ourselves available. Well, here I am God and I want to be obedient to Your will for me.
This isn't just a move "just 'cause". There are new ministry opportunities for me and already a church where I can serve. Whether I have one year, five or ten left on this earth, God can use me and that is what I want to do ....serve Him...
Now my prayer is for those who don't understand to look to God and pray for that understanding to come.....