In 1989 I lost my mare in a trailer accident… I blamed God for it, but after time, there were lessons to be learned…
From My Journal……
February 11, 1989
I feel so far away from God. I know that He is only a breath away and I know that it is not His fault “Honey” died. Still, these past few weeks I’ve done nothing except be mad at Him because he didn’t heal her. I can’t seem to reach out to God and ask for His forgiveness. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I haven’t forgiven myself for my own negligence. It’s my own fault, I should have been more careful and double-checked everything…so why do I blame God?
***Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you blamed God? Did you struggle to come to terms with it? What effect did it have in your life?
Monday, May 1, 1989….
Three months have passed and I find myself in sort of a spiritual fog. I haven’t been as close to God as I know from experience I can be. I’m in the hospital today as a result of low blood and stress. The doctor suspects an ulcer and has ordered tests. Guess I’ll know more in the morning.
It’s all so strange to me though.. My pastor preached a sermon just yesterday on different ways God gets our attention. I didn’t think it would happen to me so soon! I must be here so God and I can work out our differences. Actually they are “my” differences.
Our relationship just hasn’t been the same since Honey died. I really did believe that God would save her…..but….well….”Here I am Lord, and I’m ready to listen!
Sooner or later God is going to get our attention. Whether it be through a crisis, an illness, or what ever, He “is” going to get us in a place where we “have to listen”.
Thank you Lord for getting me in this “quiet” place where I have been able to hear Your voice. Thank You for still loving me and forgiving me while I was away from You…Thank You for showing me how to forgive myself....